Understanding Trauma Responses in Adult Relationships - two case examples

How past wounds shape our reactions to boundary-crossing behavior

Many adults carry unresolved childhood wounds into their friendships, families, and romantic partnerships. These wounds often shape how we react when someone crosses our boundaries — even in subtle, socially acceptable ways. To understand the emotional intensity behind those reactions, we need to understand trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

What Is a Trauma Response? A trauma response is the body’s automatic survival reaction to a situation that feels threatening — even if it isn’t dangerous in a traditional sense. The body doesn’t evaluate “Is this logical?” It evaluates: “Does this feel like something I survived before?” That’s why adults sometimes react strongly to: pressure from a friend boundary-pushing manipulation disguised as kindness emotional unpredictability These dynamics can echo childhood experiences of chaos, neglect, or emotional instability.

Case Example A: The “Night Swim” Friend (Friend A) Imagine this scenario: You’re with a friend who enjoys attention, unpredictability, and a bit of drama. One night, she suggests something impulsive — like a spontaneous night swim to your partner — and acts offended or mocking if you say no. Why does this trigger a trauma response? Because the friend’s behavior contains elements of: boundary-testing dominance disguised as playfulness emotional unpredictability invalidation of your “no” For someone with past experiences of being mocked, ignored, or pressured, this type of boundary crossing isn’t “fun.” It’s threatening, because it mirrors past situations where saying no was unsafe.

Potential trauma responses:

Fight: wanting to confront or get angry

Flight: distancing or wanting to leave

Freeze: going quiet, confused, or shut down

Fawn: giving in to keep the peace

This has nothing to do with “overreacting” and everything to do with the nervous system remembering old patterns.

Case Example B: The “Visiting Friend Who Competes” (Friend B) Another example: a friend who visits and subtly competes with you — in conversation, attention, or social presence. She may: compare herself to you challenge your boundaries comment on your choices in ways that feel judgmental look for ways to dominate group dynamics Why is this triggering? Competitive behavior between women can activate: old wounds around female rivalry experiences of not being protected memories of unpredictable caregivers fear of social humiliation or rejection. Even if the situation is small, your body doesn’t read the details — it reads the pattern.

What These Two Examples Have in Common: Despite different behaviors, both Friend A and Friend B trigger the same internal message: “My boundaries are not respected; I am not safe to be myself.” Both cases involve: inconsistency emotional pressure domination disguised as friendliness blurred lines a lack of respect for your autonomy These dynamics echo childhood environments where: adults had unpredictable emotions approval was conditional saying no had consequences the child had to manage others’ feelings

How Women Heal From These Patterns Healing begins when a woman: 

Recognizes the pattern — “This feels familiar, not new.” 

Names the trigger — “My body is reacting to my past, not this moment alone.”

Sets boundaries — clear, simple, calm.

Stops fawning — she chooses self-respect over keeping the peace.

Surrounds herself with regulating relationships — people who don’t need to be impressed or managed.

Learns to feel her anger safely — anger is a compass, not a danger.

Returns to her body — breath, grounding, rest, slowness. ---

The Empowering Truth When a woman heals, she becomes someone who can say: “No, that doesn’t work for me.” “I prefer something different.” “Please don’t speak to me that way.” “I’m not available for this dynamic anymore.” She stops giving her energy to unpredictable people who thrive on chaos and competition. She steps out of the trauma response cycle and enters self-leadership.

Closing Thought Trauma responses are not weakness — they are proof of survival. If you feel your body react to certain people, it’s not because you’re dramatic. It’s because your system recognizes old danger in new clothing. You are not crazy. You are remembering. And healing is simply the process of choosing a different ending.